


can you teach me how to feel real?

by flashlightinacave



Category: Never Have I Ever (TV)
Genre: Deep Conversations, Developing Relationship, Diverges From 1.06, F/M, Fluff, Mutual Pining, Pining, slight AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:22:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24292015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flashlightinacave/pseuds/flashlightinacave
Summary: “I have an extra ticket to courtside seats at a basketball game and I’m inviting you.”“Why on Earth would you do that?” Devi asked. Her tone was still laced with venomous anger, but her eyes were filled with a sort of cautious optimism.Ben’s mind was a swirl of potential answers to Devi’s question.Because I don’t know what I did wrong this weekend and I want to make it up to you.Because we had to the opportunity to be friends and I was really looking forward to it, I want to have another try at that.Because you’re smart and beautiful and fierce and I’ve realized I like you so much I don’t know what to do with myself.None of those answers seemed appropriate so instead Ben settled for, “because Shira bailed and I have an extra ticket and I’m not sure who else to offer it to.”or; after Shira predictably bails on him, Ben asks Devi to come to the LA Clippers game with him instead. Diverges from Season 1, Episode 6.
Relationships: Ben Gross/Devi Vishwakumar
Comments: 25
Kudos: 172





	can you teach me how to feel real?

**Author's Note:**

> I just... adore these two such an insane amount that I can't seem to stop writing fanfiction about them. 
> 
> This was supposed to be like 1k words max, but it turns out I have zero word count control. 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy! Come scream with me on Tumblr about this show and Devi and Ben in particular where I'm @montygreen
> 
> Title comes from the Marina and the Diamonds song "I Am Not A Robot"

Shira had blown him off yet again.

And as much as he hated to admit it, Ben was not even slightly surprised. 

It was a pattern, one he seemed doomed to eternally repeat: he made plans with Shira months, _months_ in advance, she agreed to them, deeming his date of choice fancy enough for her Instagram followers, and then she always had some excuse that came up the day of. Today it was getting her brows sculpted. Ben scoffed, _typical. What does it even mean to get your brows sculpted?_

Now he had an extra courtside ticket to see the Los Angeles Clippers and he wasn’t quite sure what to do with it. His attempt to pass the extra ticket along to Trent or his friend had backfired horribly and thus Shira’s ticket remained burning a hole in his pocket.

Or rather, there was one thing he could do with it, one person he could offer it to, he thought as he moped his way into chemistry class and spotted her.

Devi Vishwakumar was already furiously scribbling down the unbalanced chemical equations written on the blackboard. Ben knew exactly what Devi looked like when she was deep in concentration: she furrowed her brow, tightly gripped her gel pen, and nibbled her lip. Today was no exception and Ben could tell she was already trying to balance the equations she’d copied, trying to get a step ahead of everyone in the class, so she could dominate the way she always did.

Ben wasn’t so sure what he had done to upset Devi so much during the Model UN trip over the weekend, but he knew he’d done something. He wondered if he’d said something stupid, or told her too much when he was slightly drunk on Grigio. He thought he remembered their conversation pretty well and nothing stuck out as particularly awful, but he must have forgotten something. He knew Devi was all logic and rationality, there could only be a rational reason for her to be so upset with him.

“Hey David,” he said, taking his seat in front of her. Devi’s head snapped up and she snarled at him in annoyance. “Guess who’s dad’s taking him to an LA Clippers game tonight?”

“Shut up,” she growled, “I’m trying to concentrate.” She immediately turned her head back to the piece of paper in front of her. Now that Ben was sitting, he could see her loopy yet immaculate handwriting covering the page. It astounded him that she could write so much, so quickly, yet still have such beautiful penmanship. 

“If you would just listen to me.” He snatched the paper away from her. “I am going to make you an offer you can’t possibly refuse.”

“Considering how much you’ve already screwed everything up,” Devi sneered, “I don’t know how you possibly think you could do that.”

Ben sighed and placed Devi’s page back on her desk. He dug the ticket that used to belong to Shira out of his pocket and waved it around. “Come to the Clippers game with me tonight.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“I have an extra ticket to courtside seats at a basketball game and I’m inviting you.”

“Why on Earth would you do that?” Devi asked. Her tone was still laced with venomous anger, but her eyes were filled with a sort of cautious optimism.

Ben’s mind was a swirl of potential answers to Devi’s question

_Because I don’t know what I did wrong this weekend and I want to make it up to you._

_Because we had to the opportunity to be friends and I was really looking forward to it, I want to have another try at that_

_Because you’re smart and beautiful and fierce and I’ve realized I like you so much I don’t know what to do with myself._

None of those answers seemed appropriate so instead Ben settled for, “because Shira bailed and I have an extra ticket and I’m not sure who else to offer it to.”

He noticed Devi wasn’t entirely paying attention to him, she’d returned her attention to the various chemical equations scribbled on her sheet. She was focussed on trying to find the stoichiometric coefficient of oxygen in the combustion equation of a complex hydrocarbon. 

“Alright,” she answered, finally meeting his eyes. The moment was brief though, she almost immediately returned to her work.

“Great! I can pick you up at 6:30?”

“You will _not_ pick me up, I will meet you at your house at 6:30, deal?” She didn’t even look up as she addressed him, rather tapping her pen impatiently against her page.

“Deal,” Ben agreed, peering back at Devi’s page again. “The answer is 17, by the way.”

Devi elbowed him. “I would have figured that out on my own, dipshit.”

* * *

It was almost 6:30 and Ben didn’t know why he was so nervous.

It was just Devi. 

Devi who he’d known since the first grade and who’d been his rival for just as long. Devi who had the stupidest, most infuriating victorious grin in the world, one that made his blood boil (and his heart race.) Devi who he recently couldn’t stop thinking about in ways he could never, ever dare to tell her.

(It wasn’t just _that_ it was Devi, but it was _because_ it was Devi.)

A loud knock, no bang, against his front door, tore Ben from his thoughts.

He swung open the door to greet Devi Vishwakumar, arms already crossed defiantly over her chest.

“It’s 6:30 and I’m here, can we go?”

“We’re still waiting on my dad,” Ben answered.

Devi groaned and stepped inside. “Ugh, your fat dad is coming too? That wasn’t what we agreed on, Gross.”

“First of all,” Ben asserted, “my dad is hot and second, of course, my dad is coming, he was supposed to be coming with me and Shira.”

“Who in the hell brings their father with them on a date?” Devi said with an eye roll.

“Well, considering this especially isn’t a date,” Ben retorted, “maybe you should be glad my dad is tagging along.”

Devi let out another groan of frustration and then flopped into one of the chairs by his door. She buried her head in her hands. “Why did I agree to this nightmare?” she mumbled under her breath.

Ben knew this was just Devi’s typical attitude, but he couldn’t help but feel a little hurt. He wished he more vividly remembered the night they’d drank with the Model UN team. He wondered what he could have possibly done to piss her off so much,

Ben flopped down in the chair across from the one Devi had claimed and pulled out his phone. He was still waiting on a text from his dad to inform him that he was on his way.

He got a text minutes later, but it wasn’t what he expected. 

**Dad:** _Hey buddy, I’m so sorry, I don’t think I’m gonna make it tonight._

_This Kanye deal is really complicated_

Ben’s face fell in defeat as he read the text. It wasn’t that his dad had bailed that hurt, it was rather that he really thought that there was a chance he would not bail. He was a goddamn idiot. 

“You haven’t said something cocky in a solid five minutes this isn’t like you— wait what happened?”

When peered up from his phone he noticed that Devi’s eyes were filled with concern. His voice came out small and quiet. “My dad isn’t coming.”

Devi’s eyes filled with pity— and God, he hated the way she was looking at him right now. “Oh, dude, I’m sorry. That sucks,” she sounded genuinely sympathetic.

“He fucking always does this. I just don’t know why I thought today would be any different.”

Devi opened her mouth to say something, probably to offer him more pity and condolences, but was interrupted by Patty shuffling into the room. “My sweet prince, are you ready for the big game?”

Ben sighed, he was so excited only five minutes ago, but all of that seemed to have vanished. “Actually, Patty, I don’t think I’m gonna go.”

“But you’ve been excited for months and,” she gestured towards Devi, “your girlfriend came all the way here.”

He heard Devi suppress a snort at Patty’s error. “It’s just me and Devi,” he said, putting a special emphasis on her name, “realized we have a lot of work to do for… chemistry.”

“Oh I understand,” Patty said, offering Ben a wink and a salacious smile. Ben felt his face burn at the insinuation and Devi looked equally humiliated.

“Why don’t you take the tickets, Patty? Take the night off and take your sons to the game,” Ben offered, pulling the three tickets out of his pocket. 

“Are you sure?”

“I mean, it’d be such a pity for such good seats to go waste, wouldn’t it?”

Patty clicked her tongue and suspiciously glanced between Devi and Ben once more. “Alright.” She took the string of tickets from his hand. “Have a good night, Mr. Ben. Mrs. Devi.” She winked knowingly at Ben once more before she stepped out of the room.

“I’m sorry about that,” Ben quickly said, glancing frantically over at Devi. “I’m sorry my housekeeper basically assumed—”

“That we’re gonna have sex?” Devi interrupted, smirking at how uncomfortable her words made him.

Ben couldn’t even bring himself to reply to her, he just nodded.

“Unlike those UN nerds at least she wouldn’t tell anyone.” She tilted her head to the side. “Pretty nice of you to offer the tickets to her though,” Devi chuckled, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you do something that nice.”

“Hey,” Ben objected, “I invited you.”

“Ben, we both know you invited me because you were feeling sorry for yourself, don’t go trying to paint yourself as my knight in shining armour.”

Devi was smiling at him now, she looked stupidly pretty when she smiled. 

“This might sound dumb,” Ben started, “but do you want to watch the game with me here, I mean you’re already here and—” he took a deep breath, “I don’t know, it’d just be nice to have some company.”

Devi shrugged. “I don’t have anything better to do, do I?”

* * *

“Hey, Ben,” Devi said, jabbing him as they both sat on the couch. Ben turned to her, annoyed she’d broken his concentration from the game yet again. “Why are we even watching this? Only the last two minutes are relevant anyway.”

“Because the entire game is important, David. You have to feel the adrenaline of and be invested in each passing second.”

Devi rolled her eyes. “You are such a dork.”

Ben ignored her comment and turned his attention back to the screen. 

“Do all the basketball players go to some special tattoo artist or something? Do those tattoos make them like better at the sport, cause I swear that is the only justification I can find for those ugly ass tattoos.”

“Quiet, David! I can’t hear the commentator.”

Devi snorted. “Puh-lease! I’m sure I could do a better job commentating this game without even trying.”

As annoyed as he was that Devi kept interrupting him and distracting him from watching the game, Ben couldn’t help but feel intrigued. “Alright,” he lifted the remote and muted the sound of the game. “Give me your commentary then, David.”

Devi cleared her throat and scrunched her brow in intense concentration. “The man with a two on his jersey has the ball and he shoots, he — and nope, he just lost the ball to that guy on the other team. The man with a two on his jersey looks like he’s about to have a stroke—”

“David,” Ben sighed, “that man is Kawhi Leonard, he’s legendary. We poached him from the Raptors last year after he helped them win the championship title. What kind of commentator doesn’t know the players' names?”

“Uh, only the best commentator!” Devi retorted, whacking him playfully. “The best commentator would know that basketball, and all sports for the record, are a complete and utter waste of time. Well, besides tennis. The only valid man left on this planet is John McEnroe. I couldn’t care less about these guys who look like they’ve been through a stretcher.”

Ben ignored Devi’s typical ridiculousness and focused on a single part of her statement. “Why tennis?”

“What?”

“Why do you think that tennis is the only valid sport?”

Devi sighed and took a deep breath. “My dad used to like to watch tennis and John McEnroe was his favourite player. We always watched it together before he…” she swallowed and took a deep breath. “...died.”

“Fuck, Devi, I’m so sorry.”

Devi shook her head. “Sometimes I’m scared that I’m, I don’t know, disappointing him, that I’m not living up to what he expected of me and now that’s absolutely no way of knowing. And I— ” She shook her head again, clearly holding back tears.

“No, Devi, you’re honestly one of the most amazing people I know, your father would be so, so proud of you.” He gave a wry laugh. “Here I am moping about my dad always bailing on me, but at least he’s still alive.”

“Hey, no,” Devi said, placing her hands on his shoulders so she could look directly into his eyes. “You’re allowed to be upset at your parents too. My pain doesn’t invalidate yours.”

Ben shrugged, he was so used to convincing himself that everything he felt towards his lack of parental affection was invalid and unimportant. In all other respects, his life was idolized and envied, he had a perfect house, endless amounts of designer clothing, hell, if he needed therapy, he could afford the best and most qualified therapist in the world. 

But there was something about the way Devi was looking at him right now, her brown eyes wide and vulnerable. There was something in the way her hands gripped his shoulders that told him that it was okay, to be honest for once in his life.

“I don’t know,” Ben said with a shake of his head, “sometimes I just feel like my parents never wanted me, you know?”

Devi’s face fell, her steady gaze filled with empathy. “Ben…”

“I mean, they never come to any of the extracurricular events I invite them to at school, they constantly bail on our plans, christ they’re never here at all. My dad cares more about his dumb clients than me—except Kanye, he’s not dumb—but it still hurts to know you’re always someone’s second choice.”

“Hey,” Devi said, moving one of the hands resting on his shoulder to grip his hand. “You deserve to be someone’s first choice, Ben. And one day, believe me,” she smiled reassuringly at him, “you will be.”

(The thing that scared Ben the most was he was slowly realizing that it wasn’t just that he wanted to be anyone’s just first choice, he wanted to be Devi’s.)

He nodded and offered a small smile. “Thanks.” He curled his fingers into her hand. “The same applies to you, by the way.”

Devi smiled and Ben was pretty sure his brain short-circuited.

* * *

Devi and Ben both remained seated on one of his many sofas, the TV turned off now that the game had come to an end. They’d decided against beer after Devi told him her mother had quite literally threatened to kill her if she came home smelling even vaguely of alcohol, so both held ice cold sodas in their hands. 

“Can I ask you something?” Ben said, turning to Devi.

She took a sip of her soda. “Shoot.”

“Why did you nuke me?”

Devi knit her brow in obvious confusion. “Sorry?”

“At Model UN,” Ben clarified, “why did you nuke me.”

Devi was silent for a moment and it was enough for mortification to descend over Ben. “Oh my god, did I hit on you?”

Devi’s eyes widened and her mouth dropped open. “WHAT?” she asked. Her face was flushed a deep crimson.

Mortified, Ben felt his face heat up. “Oh my god! That is so embarrassing!” Ben gave a wry laugh, “I mean you have to know if it did that— that was just alcohol doing its thing — there is no way I would have done something like that under normal circumstances and I—”

“Ben,” Devi said gently, “you didn’t hit on me, it’s fine.”

Ben sighed in relief. “Oh, thank god!”

Devi arched an eyebrow. “I'm that unfuckable, huh?”

“No, Devi, you have to know that’s not I— that’s not what I meant and I really am sorry I said that to you. God, I have been such an asshole to you.”

Devi simply shrugged and offered a small smirk. “Eh, it’s fine, I’m over it. You didn’t give any worse than you got.” She took another sip of her drink. “You really want to know?”

Ben nodded. 

“Paxton found out I was lying,” Devi said matter-of-factly.

Ben was still confused. “Lying about what? Wait, was your arrangement with him some kind of dirty little secret? Look, David, even you deserve better than something like that.”

Devi shook her head and sighed. “No, it’s not that.” Her once suave expression was now nervous and frightened. She blew out a breath and clutched the edge of the sofa. “We never had sex.”

“You what?”

“Paxton and I,” Devi clarified, biting her lip. “We never had sex.”

“Oh!” Ben exclaimed, “that makes way more sense!”

“Okay, but hear me out, it wasn’t exactly a lie, I just didn’t correct Eleanor and Fabiola when they made the assumption,” she snorted and rolled her eyes, “it’s not exactly like I was walking around school telling everyone I banged Paxton Hall-Yoshida.”

Ben tilted his head to the side and smirked. “A lie by omission is still a lie.”

“Ugh, shut up,” Devi said, elbowing Ben such that he let out an involuntary yelp. 

“You know I’m right,” Ben taunted.

Devi groaned. “I do and I absolutely hate it.”

Ben laughed, like really, truly laughed, in a genuine happy way he hadn’t laughed in a long time. It made him feel warm inside. “Wait, wait, wait, I’m still not understanding why you nuked me.”

“Well, Paxton texted me and I knew he’d found out about my lie and I was just so upset and as you know when I’m upset I tend to get angry and,” she sighed, “I don’t know… you were just the easiest person to be angry at and I think I just,” Devi blew out a breath, “you know, convinced myself that if you hadn’t mentioned it on the bus then the MUN team wouldn’t have found out and then Paxton wouldn’t have found out either.” She let out a self-deprecating laugh. “I know, I’m an idiot.”

“No more than usual, David,” Ben replied, his voice noticeably softer. “Besides, the MUN team really did think you were hot shit.”

“I know!” Devi exclaimed, “I know this sounds conceited, but it was really fun to be cool and popular for once.”

“I get it,” Ben agreed, “The entire team was nicer to me that night than I think they’d ever been.” He placed his empty soda can on the coffee table.

Well,” Devi said with a shrug, “you can’t exactly blame them.” She narrowed her eyes. “You are kind of an asshole.”

“You’re one to talk, you’re abrasive and hotheaded!” Ben shot back.

“Well, you’re conceited and egotistical!” Devi said with a colourful smirk. “But uh…” she met Ben’s eyes, an unfamiliar amount of vulnerability in her gaze. “You’re also one of the smartest people I’ve ever met.” She cleared her throat. “Other than me, of course.”

The way she was looking at him, all vulnerable and doe-eyed, made Ben’s heart speed up. He smiled gently and tried to calm his nerves. “You are the smartest person I know.”

Devi arched an eyebrow and was giving a teasing smirk again. “Other than you?” she asked, her voice playful.

Ben shook his head. “No, no,” he smiled at her softly, and let everything he was feeling shine from his eyes. “You’re definitely smarter.”

He heard Devi’s breath hitch when he lifted his hand to tuck a stray strand of hair behind her ear. The softness in her eyes was shocking, but more so was the fact that she hadn’t pushed him away. His hand cupped her cheek and let his eyes dart to her lips. When it was clear that Devi wasn’t pulling back or moving away, Ben took the plunge and leaned in to press his lips to hers.

He felt her eyelashes flutter against his cheek at the contact and heard her let out a contented sigh. Her lips were soft and had a sweet taste; a combination reminiscent of the soda they’d been drinking and her sparkly bubblegum lip gloss. It was uneven and a little uncoordinated at first, but Devi’s hand moved to cup his jaw, permitting him to deepen the kiss. It was still rather chaste, as kisses go, yet felt more submerged in meaning than many others. 

When they parted, Ben couldn’t quite keep a stupid grin off his face and was relieved to see Devi doing the same. Suddenly, guilt flitted across her expression, but she still didn’t push him away. “What about Shira?” she breathed.

“We broke up,” Ben answered, tucking another loose strand of hair behind Devi’s ear. “I should’ve done it a long time ago, but I think her bailing on something we’d had planned for months was the last straw.” He blew out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in. “I just thought to myself, I deserve a girlfriend who wants to be with me, you know?”

“And would you want me to be that girlfriend?” Devi asked a small amount of apprehension in her tone.

“Well, yes, but, only if you want to. I wouldn’t want to force you to anything you don’t want to do and all and— would you? Want to, I mean—”

“Ben,” Devi interrupted. She moved her thumb under his chin to tilt up his head. “Stop overthinking for just a second,” she said, kissing him softly.

She pulled away, eyes filled with a beautiful swirl of mischief and blossoming affection. “My answer is yes, by the way.”


End file.
